Forget the ‘Top Model All Stars’, It’s All About Tyra! ~ ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Cycle 17 Blog (‘ANTM’)

My fellow watching as a guilty pleasure ‘America’s Next Top Model’ friend said last night (Wednesday) that she really liked this cycle.  I kind of have a love/hate thing for the ‘All Star’ season.  I love that the models are returning ‘Top Model’ vets thus know the score before starting.  I hate that Tyra once again asserts herself whenever there is a slight opening.  It got me to wondering if the other international versions of the show are hosted by mega-narcissists.  Seriously, if you know can you clue me in? 

 

                There are four girls left and each is very distinct from the others.  Tyra informs them that they will be filming a promotional video for her novel ‘Modelland’.  I’m sorry, but I’m going to just be crude; HOLY FUCKTARDS on TOAST!  I have no desire to read Banks’ book, but from what I gather it sounds like a cross between every slacker driven model expose and Suzanne Collins’ ‘The Hunger Games’ although I believe somewhere that the concept for Tyra’s novel is more like a Hogwarts for models…I think I would rather have a ‘Hunger Games’ theme. 

 

                Listen kittens, if the video just starred the remaining competitors I wouldn’t have had a problem with another Banks’ project tie in, however that wasn’t the case because the models almost served as a backdrop in order for Ms. Tyra to make googly eyes at Tyson Beckford.  BTW, what the hell is up with her putting her finger in her mouth and offering it to others?  Did she suck Beckford’s finger (maybe it was a thumb?) or did he suck hers?  Once again; HOLY FUCKTARDS on TOAST!

 

                Before I dissect the video I’ll write a little about the earlier challenge.  The girls were assigned to write a sample blog entry which would be judged by Franca Sozzani (editor of ‘Vogue Italia’).  One of the prizes for this ‘All Star’ cycle is a Vogue blog.  The women were then given a driver and interpreter and sent out into the Greek wilderness to photograph and observe anything their fashion forward hearts desired.  It was actually a pretty cool task and tied in nicely with the idea of branding since many models later on move into work as fashion editors and reporters.  The task winner surprised me in a very good way.     

 

                The models were all dressed in a yellow Greek concoction which despite everything else had some charm.  They were each then directed to do odd effing things that included eating a blood orange for no other reason besides that Tyra loves the smell.  There was digging in the trash, eating whip cream from a can, and something to do with a baby doll.  It was a bit like an Ingmar Bergman film without Bergman’s light-hearted elements (please someone, get the joke).  To top it all off the models had to repeat the same line “I’m Tookie.”  You see, Tookie is the main character and her full name is Tookie De La Crème.  Please repeat after me, HOLY FUCKTARDS on TOAST!

 

                On a serious note, is there anyone in Tyra’s life who tells her no?  It’s not like she is stupid or doesn’t have talent.  I won’t read her book because her past behavior indicates she is unable to move her three ton ego from any project which might make something worth reading or listening to (remember her singing career?).  Besides the clips Joel McHale had on ‘The Soup’ I knew a few people who really liked her talk show.  I heard she quit it because she felt she had too many projects going, but damn Tyra, with Oprah closing up shop I would have thought it left an opening to Pot Ledom and smize your way into a daytime Emmy or at least more TV markets. 

 

               Honestly, blogging about ‘Top Model’ wouldn’t be near as fun without bitching about Tyra’s antics but these antics are the reason why none of the models will never truly be “top models”.  The show itself is too Tyra top heavy and she is allowed to showcase herself at the expense of the girls’ fledgling careers.  Love, hate, or love to make fun of Tyra’s clowning; her buffoonery has removed the show she helped to create from being a legitimate conduct to launch the next Cindy Crawford.  It appears that the American fashion industry knows this and the prizes of ‘Vogue Italia’, ‘CoverGirl’ and ‘Express’ are only temporary and their involvement with the show is simply advertising.  I think maybe one of the winners has continued her contract with CoverGirl after the initial ad ran of her in ‘Top Model’ pose with a banner congratulating another ‘ANTM’ winner.  As for ‘Vogue Italia’ I think it was a good way for the Italian version of the magazine to gain a foothold in the minds of young American fashionistas much to the chagrin of Anna Wintour.  I have no doubt that ‘Top Model’ can start some careers, but more on the entertainment side of the business than actual high fashion (so producers stop pretending the models need to be edgy).  If anything the contestants on the show prove a special sort of work effort in that they do not roll their eyes and smirk when some inane idea Tyra coughed up in her phlegm is now a task on the show – “Pot Ledom is model spelled backwards!”  In plainer terms, I think of Tyra as that MILF mother who has all of the beauty and charm her teenage daughter is trying to immolate, but doesn’t give her child any space to bloom on her own.  She’ll show up and her kid’s pool party and entice from afar (at least one would hope only entice from a distance for morality sake) all of the young men who until her appearance were potential suitors for her daughter.

 

                 Lisa D’Amato had the first call out.  Despite the odds that were against her I think she is probably the most well-rounded of all of the contestants.  She can act, pose, move, and relate to others be them people she is working with or fans.  The only drawback with her this week was the lime green pants she wore to judging.  I wish they hadn’t chopped off her hair because I think a shorter do makes her look older and detracts from her beauty.  Despite her earlier history of being a ‘wild child’ she has proven she has the maturity to take up the ‘Top Model’ winner’s mantle.  Dr. Drew, I’m sure, is proud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

              Allison Harvard was in the bottom two and my heart was breaking.  She is now my personal favorite to win because I like her personality.  She appears to be someone who can spin all the opportunities a win will provide into something very special.  This week it was apparent that she has trouble keeping her large blue eyes open in the Greek sun which put her at a disadvantage.  She also didn’t make much of a showing with the blog challenge which was surprising.  There was a huge divide between the judges about who was to go and it was anxiety producing to see them really at each other’s throats.  This is André Leon Talley’s last cycle on the show. 

 

 

 

 

 

              Laura Kirpatrick was sent packing and it made me a very sad viewer.  She was the total package except for her dyslexia which would put her at a disadvantage when reading from a teleprompter or writing a blog – but if Tom Cruise can do it so can Laura!  She was given queer tasks such as eating whip cream from a can, but doing it in a way that wasn’t sexy.  Frankly I think the only way you could eat whip cream and not look like a complete fool is to do so by attempting a sexy face.  She was also criticized for the enthusiasm she showed while she dug through the trash to find a name badge that said ‘Tookie’.  It was tied into Tyra’s novel – enough said.  Wait, not enough said, HOLY FUCKTARDS on TOAST!  Laura will be missed and I think the show will feel her absence. 

 

             Angelea Preston is still in the running which makes her a ‘Top Model’ cockroach or sorts – she can be on the bottom a hundred times, but she is still in the running.  I don’t hate her but I think the observations of the other contestants are legitimate, she doesn’t seem to have the where-to-all to make it yet in a business where a person really needs a tough skin, or a facsimile of such, to succeed.  I think she is much closer than she was before, but she still has to cook a bit longer.  She is too quick to call competitors “bitches” and think of all sorts of conspiracy theories as to why someone would tell her something about herself besides they are coming from a place of honesty.  Another issue is that more than once she has left in the middle of a fashion shoot to get herself together.  One time is forgivable, after that it is time to get you sh*t together.    

 

             I also think Angelea is a weak model.  She has bad skin and as Mr. Jay pointed out during the posing in underwear in the middle of a huge Greek salad challenge, she has a weak middle which cripples her in some shots that require carrying herself with an austere grace.  Even if her skin was clear, I don’t think she measures up to the others.

 

             What Angelea does have going for her is that she has an interesting sob story.  I also think she is too prone to blow smoke up a particular former supermodel’s anal cavity.  Her backstory, if I remember correctly, included homelessness along with sleeping in a train depot when she first auditioned for ‘ANTM’.  She talks a lot about being from the ‘street’ however she seems to be more well-rounded than many I have encountered (former social worker) from those mean streets.  She confessed an interest in Greek mythology and demonstrated she can write a blog that impresses a major magazine editor.  Overall, Angelea comes off as a suburban hood rat – someone who might say, “I will cut a bitch, but first I have to do my yoga and sip my Chia Tea.”  BTW, I am debating if I am stereotyping her self-confessed ‘street’ background.  At times I feel for Angelea and even root for her, but I think her weaknesses are such that she shouldn’t have come so far in the competition. 

 

               As for her performance this week, the judges loved her acting.  I didn’t think she was that grand.  I was intrigued that her eyes appear to be different colors.  In the end she is right; she is still in the competition. 

 

               Next week is the finale!  For more info on the show check out the show’s official website here.

 

Here are links to previous blog entries.

                    ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Super Duper Cycle 17 ~ ‘ANTM’ ALL STARS Blog 

                    Models on Stilts ~ ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Cycle 17 Blog (‘ANTM’)

                   The Adventures of Elderly Models ~ ‘America’s Next Top Model All Stars’ Blog Cycle 17 (‘ANTM’)

                Honoring an Iconic (Alleged) Pedophile ~ America’s Next To Model Blog Cycle 17 (ANTM)

                Model on Model Violence ~ ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Cycle 17 (‘ANTM’) Blog

                To Model in a Bathtub or Not ~ ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Cycle 17 Blog (‘ANTM’)

                Pot Ledom Means ‘Top Model’ Spelled Backwards ~ ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Cycle 17 Blog (‘ANTM’)

                Tossing Salad with Models ~ ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Cycle 17 Blog (‘ANTM’)

                Model Olympics ~ ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Cycle 17 Blog (‘ANTM’)

 

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