Note: This is something I posted on my blog, so there are some references to past posts on my blog that I have not talked about here. It's still pretty comprehensive though. If you would care to check out the blog and read more about it check out http://clickthemsticks.wordpress.com also there is some language in here that may confuse some because I talk different on gather than I do at my blog. For reference please note that M= my boyfriend and Component= my boyfriend's mom. It's a long story. Lol
I know I have shared that I have Bipolar Disorder and I am trying to share some of the ups and downs of this and be very careful that itâ€™s still PG around this place. But, fair warningâ€¦ though I may artfully use euphemistic language there is still a line that may be crossed a little so please remember that sometimes little ones should not be about when reading my Bipolar posts.
So, as a person that has been diagnosed with Bipolar they wonâ€™t let me work, so Iâ€™m broke and on disability right now. I do many interesting online work for the money to keep the net and to help pay for my meds. But, letâ€™s face itâ€¦ penny work is not really the most lucrative work there is out there. There is supposed to be a program out there to help people like me keep insurance round the month and still be able to afford stuff like Gas and rent and a few household essentials. Normally when I have this assistance I can even set a little money aside every month until I have a chunk to spend on Christmas gifts.
Normally. But, with having been homeless for 3 months at the beginning of this year and then moving to a rather densely populated city, that has been doing budget cuts through the nose. Iâ€™ve fallen through the cracks. I have been approved for this help. They said it would take 30 to 90 business days before it activated. That was back in July. I have been calling my case worker and she lets it go to a voicemail that she never checks and itâ€™s always too full. And when I do get to leave a voicemail of course there is never a call back. Iâ€™ve about had it up to here! Especially when two weeks ago my meds ran out and so did the gas in my car. I was broke. I had to call my doctor and inform him that I needed my appointment moved to after I get my next check (This coming Thursday) and after I pay my spend down (about 3 days after that). So, I wonâ€™t be able to get to the doctor until the 9th. And Iâ€™m out of medsâ€¦ but I think I mentioned that before.
At first the lack of medications wasnâ€™t that bad. I was tired and lethargic all the time so my dear M would come and get me at my place and take me to his house where he would lay in bed with me and snuggle and rub my back and let me know he was there for me. When I finally got through that spell disaster hit big time. I donâ€™t know if you have read a few posts ago. But, I have just now been piecing together what exactly happened. M was put on a medication for his migraines, only the bad thing about it was it had an antidepressant in it. He told me to be on the lookout because antidepressants donâ€™t agree with him very well. Then then the day before Halloween we went to his nieceâ€™s house because she needed someone to cut her daughterâ€™s pumpkin. And M is VERY good at this.
An important bit of information to know is that Mania is contagious. Not like a cold contagious, but when someone you care about is suffering from a manic episode and you are tooâ€¦ it kind of snowballs because you feed off of each other. Mâ€™s niece just so happens to be Bipolar as well (M has another mental illnessâ€¦ but antidepressants make him act Bipolar) she had dealt with some MAJOR life changes and was dealing with Manic feelings. This she intensified with the use of alcohol. So, of course M was feeding off of her manic state and was really going through about double the intensity as he normally would. And in turn I was feeding off of his and got the triple whammy effect! It was been a horrible couple of days!
I was taking little pieces of the Trazodone I had left over from my prescription (This is something Iâ€™m no longer on, but it was all I had and I needed to calm downâ€¦ but was incapable of it.) I was up till 5 am too days in a row. And then the meds kicked in and I crashed hard. Then Iâ€™d wake up and M would be feeling frisky (by this time the component stepped in and told him he needed to quit taking the headache meds). I wanted to please Mâ€¦ I didnâ€™t want him to feel let downâ€¦ and I ended up going nuts and asking him to do something that I would NEVER normally ask him to do to me. The first time he was just trying to please, but it made me so sore that he felt bad about it and laid off. The second time I asked him to do soâ€¦ he did, but got freaked out that something was really wrong with me and he couldnâ€™t go through with it. Thatâ€™s when we started to back track and figured out what was going on.
Nice to knowâ€¦ but how does that help me? Okay, so I know that I can do stupid irrational things when going through a manic state. M is also aware of this. We both realize now just how badly I really need my medication. But, how does that help when the problem of getting my medication is still there? I still donâ€™t have gas in my car. I still donâ€™t have insurance right now. And I still have 0 money at this point in time. All can be righted on the 9thâ€¦ but will I live in this manic state all the way until then?
At this point I realize that I need to have other resources in place as my windfall. M is lucky that he wonâ€™t lose his insurance because the type of mental illness he has is considered bad enough that he would be considered a danger to society he he did not have his medication. And his insuranceÂ cannot lapse on him without serious consequences coming down. He doesnâ€™t even have to pay any co pays or spend downs and he has a job! I donâ€™t think Bipolar is considered that bad of a mental illness though. So, I may be left out in the dark on that one. But, maybe there are other resources available to me. I will have to look into it and see.