by Kimberli T.
Member since:
March 8, 2009

Weird Wedding Question...

April 08, 2011 12:22 PM UTC
views: 0 | comments: 19

Okay, so I worked really hard to disappear off the grid of my family, but then my brother get's in touch with me and tells me that he is getting married in June of this year (I knew they were engaged, but I didn't get any kind of invitation up until yesterday, and then it was a message on facebook!) So, all I get is 'We know that you don't want to be anywhere near your mom and sister, but this is a day that's not about you... it's about us so you should suck it up and come to our wedding.' And, yes, that is exactly what was told to me! So, I'm already a little mad because they are trying to guilt trip me into going and I don't know why they still use this tactic because it didn't work for the holidays when they told me they would invite my daughter if I showed up and shouldn't I think about my daughter before I think about myself? Haha. I told them that I was thinking about my daughter. I didn't want her to see her own family putting down her mother and treating her so badly in front of her. So, no, I didn't go then. But, now... my boyfriend says I should go. And he wants to go with me.

I'm just curious, since I got such a weird invitation in the first place and my family KNOWS that I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. Is it proper of me to go ahead and ask them if I can bring a plus one? Most events in the family it has always been understood that a plus one is involved. But, I know that wedding invitations are a little different because of how much money goes into planning them. But, I also know that there won't be any other single people at this wedding because everyone in my family has a significant other at this time and none of them would dream of leaving that person behind. I just don't know if it's proper to ASK them if I can bring my boyfriend along.

I figured that if they want to guilt trip me into going that maybe it would be okay to say something like 'Well, I would be willing to go, if my boyfriend can come too. I know this is your big day and it's all about you. But, you can't possibly be selfish enough to expect me to be the ONLY person in the family to show up without a date. And you are inviting the gay pride parade to your wedding, so I don't really see what difference one more person would make.' But, that sounds kind of mean and low down. So, lol, I'll think it up a storm to make me feel better. But, I don't think that I should say that in so many words.

What would be the best way for me to tackle this issue? I don't want to go without my boyfriend at all because I need his support. For #1 Dealing with the ignorant people in my family. #2 The grief I will be feeling at seeing a girl that DOES NOT DESERVE IT, getting to grow through a rite of passage I will never have. I can't go without him.

As a side note I would like to say that I have no problem with anyone that is homosexual at all. I have many dear friends of that orientation and I have even dated women before myself (not in a creepy party college kind of way... but with the understanding that you can't help who you fall in  love with and who am I to say who would make me most happy without giving it a try?) I just mentioned it as I did because most of the people in my family are outright homophobes and it just seems a little weird to invite a vast group of people that you don't know... who don't have the legal right to get married to your wedding where there is going to be a lot of people that downright hate them.

Comments: 19

August Lady Apr 8, 2011, 3:00pm UTC
"Weird Wedding Question"

Not just one question, but many! I'll try to tackle a couple...should you go? Most definitely, despite your negative family vibes & getting the invite via FB (you recently moved, right?), this is a once-in-a-lifetime event in your brother's life, and you should be there. Also, I see no problem asking if bf can attend, esp. for moral support given your family history. But let the other stuff (homophobia, family rifts) go! This should be a happy event & only about the wedding, imho.
Kimberli T. Apr 23, 2011, 2:07am UTC
Thank you... this is the conclusion that I was coming to. Somewhat. I'm a little miffed about the bridal shower because I was invited and given the day, but after 4 times of trying to get the time from them I gave up. What gives? Then late at night the night before the shower a person that wasn't planning the shower at all told me what time it was. But I didn't have a gift and by this time I pretty much came to the conclusion that my invitation was just a 'for show' invitation. Just to say they did it. So, now I'm not so sure about the wedding either.
August Lady Apr 23, 2011, 4:49pm UTC
Obviously, you're not going to put the family rift aside (I read your comments below), maybe you shouldn't go after all.
Kimberli T. Apr 24, 2011, 2:46am UTC
It sounds like I didn't do a very good job of explaining the situation. It is my family that has the issues with me. And it is also a matter of personal safety for myself. My sister beat me up twice while I was living with my mom and both times my mom wasn't there so she believed the whole story that I was the one that beat her up. Even though I had the bruises to prove my side of the story. I think that if there are enough people there she won't try anything. Which then only leaves the whole fact that they have been going around spreading nasty rumors about me and I don't even know if it's worth it do head into a whole group of people that think I lied about going to college, that I'm on all kinds of drugs, and that I sleep around indiscriminately... lol. I know these things aren't true... but they think that they are and it can powerfully stack up the cards against me.
Linda T. Apr 8, 2011, 6:06pm UTC
Are you close to this brother? If so I would put aside family differences and attend the wedding. Usually if your invited to a wedding it is understood that you can bring a guest but you should clear it with your brother and if needed explain to him that you would be more comfortable with your boyfriend in attendance.
Kimberli T. Apr 23, 2011, 2:15am UTC
No, I'm not close to my brother. We used to be very close as children... but then we ended up going our separate ways as adults. When I first became homeless over a year ago, he took me in for a month. But, I was very sick the entire month with strep and could barely get out of bed to go to school, much less actually go out job and home hunting. That entire month his fiance griped and complained about me being lazy and good for nothing. She would go out partying and expect me to clean up her puke for her when she went to work in the morning. My brother felt caught between letting me rest to get better and making me help out around the house. Finally I got better and I decided to celebrate by going to my Aunt and Uncles house for some beer... my purse got stolen from their house in the middle of the night. My van got broke into in their driveway and the battery drained. So, not only did I not have my keys to start the thing, but it wouldn't start anyways. My brother threw a huge stink and told me that I was irresponsible and kicked me out. We really have not talked to each other since then because I felt that was a really unfair stance of him to take considering I was IN our Aunt and Uncle's house the whole time. It's not like I lost my purse at a club and was drinking and driving. It's not like I even drink that much. That was the first time I'd gone out for drinks that year and it was November. Lol But, yeah... we aren't really that close. But, I think his fiance is all caught up in image and is afraid that #1 it will look bad if not all his family is there. And #2, since he is not really big on having lots of friends that his side of the wedding seating will look a little bare. Lol
Debra C. Apr 8, 2011, 6:24pm UTC
If it were me, I'd respond on Facebook saying, "BF and I would love to attend. Can you copy me on the invitation with the details so I can put it on my calendar?".

Hopefully, there will be enough people in attendance so you can talk with people you enjoy and be shielded from those you don't. Who knows, you may find some others in the family who are happy you are there.
Kimberli T. Apr 23, 2011, 2:19am UTC
Though I'm beginning to think that the invitation is just a 'pity invitation' or an invitation 'for show... I think this is a good idea. If they don't really mean it they won't give me the details and I will be comfortable knowing that at least I did the right thing.
Debra C. Apr 23, 2011, 10:54am UTC
If you can go, even if the immediate family doesn't really appreciate it, extended family and friends will know you are making an effort. Doing the 'right thing' can help in the long run.
Janet H. Apr 8, 2011, 9:48pm UTC
I would think it would be ok to ask if your boyfriend can come with you. And I would think that all could behave nicely to each other for ONE day to celebrate your brother's special day.
Kimberli T. Apr 23, 2011, 2:21am UTC
Yes, I agree. I have really been working on holding myself in check when my mom and sister start their stuff. I think that if I just stay away from them that I can pull this off. And having my boyfriend there would be a big help.
Bernard C. Apr 9, 2011, 7:53am UTC
Living with a guilt trip is the case of family vs family - incredible as it is I would try to make the effort though if push comes to shove tell them matters have changed and you've moved on and then let them get on with it. Good luck with the decision making :-)
Kimberli T. Apr 23, 2011, 2:22am UTC
Yes... I think that I will make the effort and if they won't work with me... that will be a sign. Huh?
Kennedy Smith Apr 13, 2011, 11:06am UTC
I say ABSOLUTELY bring a PLUS ONE. It sounds as though it's not going to be pleasant for you to be around your sister and your mother, so bring along your boyfriend for moral support. I've dealt with issues like this for almost 20 years, and I know how you feel.

I CANNOT stand the sight of my younger brother, Danny, who is a complete ASSHOLE. His presence always made the holidays and any other family gathering difficult and sometimes unbearable. However, I kept going for my parents' sake, and because I was very close to both my parents before they died. Looking back, I'm glad that I still went home for Christmas and such, but there are things that I wish I'd done differently like saying MORE to my Mother about how UNCOMFORTABLE Danny made everyone feel. He's a compulsive liar, a drug addict, and he has a horrible temper. I remember him slamming doors and banging around my parents' house on MANY an occasion when he and his wife would get in a fight or something. And the SWEARING... if I heard the F-WORD once, I heard it 1,000 times. Now, I'm no prude. At my house, I occasionally swear myself, and I don't say much when my 18-year-old cuts loose with a few four-letter words now and then. But he (my son) would NEVER talk like when Mama was still living or around Nana Maude (our Mom's Mom) now or around Grandma Tilly (Dad's Mom) when she was still living. But my brother, Danny, didn't care. It's a matter of respect. They don't like to hear that language, and it was especially rude, I thought, to be talking like that on Christmas Eve or Easter or whenever.

So, anyway, if you feel you MUST go to this wedding.... go, but if it were me, I'd DEFINITELY take my significant other!

Best,
Kennedy Smith

P.S. Misery loves company.... feel free to visit my blog about how Danny plundered EVERY dime of Nana Maude's life savings at: http://tenaciousbitch.wordpress.com/wp-admin/
Kimberli T. Apr 23, 2011, 2:26am UTC
Wow... yes there are issues with drug use in my family too. So, I know how that one is. The problems with my sister extend very deeply because she is a drug user and covers it up by going to church and things like that. But, she really isn't getting the help that she needs and she still hangs with the people that she uses drugs with, so if she really has stopped it's one of those things that just don't seem to be the case. She still reeks of crack every time I do see her, so I'm not buying it. Also when she lived with me she stole a lot from me and walked all over me. Then when we both lived with my mom, she acted like I was the bad person even though I was going to school and working very hard to get my life back on track (I have never used drugs, but I've made bad financial choices in my past and I've trusted the wrong people and let some users into my life that made me lose everything) So... between the two of them together it makes it rough for me to be around them without being very angry for all that they have done to me.
ANTBONI H. Apr 25, 2011, 10:51am UTC
Put you pride in the closet. Pick up the phone, call your brother & request a "real" invitation. Ask him directly if your "guest" may accompany you. This might be an opportunity for you and your family to smooth over the rough edges in your relationships. Put on a pretty dress and a real smile. Who knows?; you might have a nice time!
Jennifer R. Apr 26, 2011, 9:38am UTC
This content has received at least 80 views and will now be removed from Gathering for Goodies! Thanks for sharing and I look forward to seeing what you have to share next!!
Kennedy Smith May 1, 2011, 11:56am UTC
What about your brother? What does he say about her drug use, or is he in denial too? Funny, crack is my brother's drug du jour as well, but I didn't know it had a particular smell?? I assume I was not privy to that fact because I don't see him very often. We haven't lived in the same state since '91 when he lived with me for a short time in Ohio when he was working full-time and resembling a responsible human being. And I'll always did my best to keep my from distance from him at Christmas, etc....so hugging the crackhead for appearances' sake when Mom and Dad were still living was NOT part of my modus operandi no matter how HAPPY that would've made Mom! :)
Infinity M. May 7, 2011, 11:22pm UTC
u kno - ur life is ur life, & if a situation makes u feel uncomfortable then u have the choice/right not 2 b in that situation. even tho' there should b some obligation 2 family - i don't hold true 2 that if some1 is bein treated like dirt by their family. if i were in ur shoes right now - i definitely would not go if i were told my boyfriend could not go - & actually i'm not sure if i would go @ all - that of course is goin 2 b ur decision

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