‘America’s Next Top Model’ Takes on 'Italian Vogue' ~ And A New Blog is Born

I did a blog of Season 7 of ‘Project Runway’.  I didn’t take on the same task for Season 8 because I found the blog to be a lot of work to, as my fashion fairy godfather would say, “Make it work.”  I got behind on other writing projects and just felt that I needed to take a season off, but then here comes Tyra and company throwing Italian ‘Vogue’ in my face and I couldn’t resist.  I mean seriously, who is more fun to write about than Tyra Banks?  She is smart, beautiful, tries to change the world for the better, yet her efforts seem constantly thwarted by her own vanity – if not literally then by hilarious observations made in the blogosphere and cable shows like ‘The Soup’.  No one is a bigger fan of Tyra Banks than Tyra Banks!

 

                I came to an agreement with myself in order not to freak the hell out.  I will write a blog of the 15^th Cycle (Can you believe that – 15 seasons?!) but I might not post every week.  I just want to write what makes me happy in regards to everything ‘Top Model’ from the silly modeling assignments (runway walks over water on slippery stepping stones) to the cat fights (when a variety of personality diagnoses clash) to the sage advice of Miss Tyra herself. 

 

                In the last few seasons the American version of ‘Top Model’ has been sinking in the ratings.  Once again, I point to Tyra as the main culprit.  The first show of the season sets the tone and Tyra would never fail in putting herself front in center often in the most embarrassing ways.  A few seasons ago there was some science fiction gimmick where she came off as simply bat sh*t crazy.  Granted, this show was never going to win a Peabody, an Emmy, or even a TV Guide Award, but at the core of at least the first few seasons it was about young women pursing a dream of modeling which would place them front and center to the world of fashion and travel.  These girls weren’t trying to change the world, but at least when they were debasing themselves for themselves and not debasing themselves for the attention of a man.  (BTW, I freaking hate the idea of ‘The Bachelor’ and the spinoffs!)  Tyra was dumbing down a show that was already dumbed down to begin with; all because she wanted to do little acting bits with costumes.  There were other reasons involved in the show’s decline as well, but the simple truth is that in comparison to ‘Project Runway’ ‘ANTM’ seemed like ‘PR’s’ size sixteen pica cursed sister.  I think this season is where Tyra and the producers of the show (of which she is one and also gets a percentage of all the world wide ‘Top Model’ franchises) wanted to pull the it out of its decline and finally anoint a model who wouldn’t just do a Covergirl commercial and then disappear back to South Dakota.

 

                I think I have made my points about Tyra striving to be a role model yet is always caught looking at herself in a mirror.  She prides herself on giving the girls life lessons, but she always clouds the issues.  For instance she was talking about her own discovery and how not all modeling agencies were taken with her.  If you don’t know the story allow me to give an abbreviated version.  Tyra went to some Catholic school and on the first day there someone asks her if she is a model.  Ty-Ty is shocked because she was always the gangly girl.  She pursues modeling but is rejected, but keeps plugging in, and then walks the catwalks of Europe and New York.  How Banks screws up her retelling of the tale this season is that she puts herself back into Catholic school girl uniform and takes rides a bus thus demonstrating that she was willing to ride a public bus to get where she needed to go.  There was no need to try and reenact the story, BUT TYRA felt there was a need…and after all it is Tyra’s show and I’m just giggling about it in the safety of my home. 

 

                On the first show of the season several contestants are shaved down to about fourteen.  In the process about twenty – thirty contestants are all sent to Los Angeles.  Like all reality programs of this sort the audience is introduced to a few of the girls – I’ll get into all of the introductions in a moment, but suffice to say conflict usually rears its ugly head.  This time around there was some girl who was from West Virginia, I believe, who had never really been out of her home state it sounded like when someone read one of her diary entries that stated that she almost had to share a room “with a black girl…ick.”  She must have written something because she cops up to it explaining that she didn’t want to room with a specific black girl that she met on the bus going to the hotel, not any black girl because…wait for it…wait…she isn’t really racist.  For me the point isn’t if she is racist or not – I’m sure that she is just a young woman that hasn’t been exposed multiple ethnicities and cultures and would soon learn by experience to accept people as they are.  My main issue was that someone read her diary and NOBODY SAID A DAMN THING ABOUT IT!  There was a fuss over what the girl wrote, but nada on the invasion of her privacy.  Tyra issues a statement during judging that the girl would have learned her lesson and I screamed back “As in always make sure no one has access to your diary but yourself.” 

 

                In the past this has always bothered me, when issues are made about things that (okay, the whole don’t want to room with a black girl is an issue) aren’t problems, and things that aren’t problems are made into federal cases.  I’ve witnessed contestants on that show that needed to be carted off because they were insane and were a threat to themselves and others – but nothing is done, or at least on camera.  Yet, minor things become HUGE as in why is this modeling throwing this other model under the bus when really it was something like she didn’t put away a dish or something. 

 

                Okay, back to the issue at hand…wait, I’m done with that.  Now I’m just going to chat about the girls. 

 

                First we have Terra who is a twin, from Texas, and is 24.  At 24 I don’t see her lasting for very long, but the producers are going to get their money’s worth out of her because both she and her sister are hysterically funny (well, as funny as girls on ‘Top Model’ can be).  She isn’t stunning and at the age of 24 you know that she isn’t really in the running because they are serious about finding someone who has at least potential for become a top model. 

 

 

 

                Anamaria is obsessed with IMG model management and says that it is one of the reasons why she tried out for the show.  She is from Queens, New York which begs the question if she can’t sign up for that modeling agency in New York isn’t that telling her something?  I predict that she will leave in the middle to the last of the pack. 

 

 

 

 

                I like Chelsey’s look.  She has freckles, and is blonde, plus she has a slight gap in her teeth much like Sookie Stackhouse (which is really hot at the moment).  She is 22 and has modeled before but was told she was too fat even though she was 105 pounds.  I think she can go far in the competition. 

 

 

 

 

 

                Lexie is 18 and has a quirky look.  Her personality is of someone you are either going to love or hate.  She is the type of girl that walks into verbal traps set up by others – such as when she told her roommate that another model didn’t want to be there and then the roommate told everyone in a group and made Lexie talk about it.  Talk about throwing someone under a bus.  I think with time we are learn to hone in on verbal skills when someone is setting us up. 

 

 

 

                Speaking of that model, whose name I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to locate unless I’m willing to watch the episode over again and I’m not, she didn’t make the cut.  She was one of those emo like girls (except with blonde hair instead of black) who was far from traditionally pretty and was probably insecure thus started talking about how she was above all of this modeling competition thing.  Let’s face it, she never really had a chance and of course when she was given the heave ho she was crying like an orphan in the wind thus allowing Tyra to point out to the world that she was shocked the girl was crying because she didn’t think she wanted to be there.  Alas, for this poor lass, Lady Gaga will never sound the same. 

 

 

 

                Sara is 21, I don’t remember anything about her, but I think her photo is promising.  Wait, she rapped and has a son who is three quarters black with blonde hair who she thinks is going to be a heart breaker because of his mocha skin paired with his tow headed top.    

 

 

 

 

 

                Liz is also 21, but I think she looks older, especially with that horrible haircut.  Further she dons one of those annoying eye piercings.  I’m going to go on a tangent here and talk about how much I hate weird ass piercings along with tattoos.  Nothing ruins a body quicker than a tattoo.  I have never seen one that looks good on a person unless they are all muscle bound, which most aren’t.  I know that people often get tattoos either to appear interesting (which is a sure sign they aren’t) or to mark some sort of milestone in their lives.  I often want to shout at these folks and tell them I’ll give them something to live through.  I apologize in advance if I offended anyone sporting a butterfly near their holiest of holys, but now you know never to ask me if I think they should get a tattoo. 

 

         Getting back to Liz, she has a great body but she also has a baby so you know at some point the audience and other models are going to have to hear her drone on about missing her child and how she deserves to be there more than anyone else because she has sacrificed time with her child and/or she really needs to win the contest for her child to have a better life.  According to Liz she has worked two full time jobs, is a full time student, full time single parent, and gets government aid…but all of that could change if only…  Actually, Liz did impress me with her maturity in saying something to the effect that she has been through hell now she is trying to reach for heaven.  I’m sorry that she has had to bear the brunt of my rant about contestants from past seasons. 

 

                Rhianna has as unconventional look, but I like her.  She seems smart and fashion forward.  Her brief write up describing herself was really fun, “World explorin', dance feverin', people lovin', wild child!”  Mr. Jay wanted to call her Willow after she audition for the judges and showed them that she takes nature has her inspiration when posing.  Although she is quirky I think she could pull off high fashion modeling.  She looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal. 

 

 

 

                Jane is a 19 year old Princeton girl whom Miss Jay said was indulged because her parents built her a barn for her horses after she asked for riding lessons as a child.  I always hate it when people do that.  For one thing, it is a different scenario if said person is acting sadly stupid because they had never had to say make their bed, but Jane didn’t seem to be snooty; the judges were the ones who asked the question and she answered it.  I want to know how these things come up in conversations with producers.  Of course Tyra took credit for finding Jane through her Tyra.com website.  Jane is very thin and I must say that when the show showed her in silhouetted in her bikini she looked really bad. 

 

                Chris is the other Texas twin.  I just don’t see her going too far in the competition.  I think she and her sister she pack it all in and head to Hollywood and become a comedy routine. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                Kendal is 23 and hails from Alabama with a banjo on her knee.  I suppose that Tyra was trying to get some sort of purity ring/saving it for marriage confession out of her since she is a virgin.  What Miss Banks wasn’t expecting was for Kendal to reveal that she doesn’t like the feel of semen on her hand, thus hasn’t gone much further in the sexual department.  May I just add, gurrrl, I hear ya!  She is beautiful and I can see her on a high fashion shoot.  I think she will go far in the competition – especially if she keeps revealing the unexpected.        

 

 

 

                Kacey is 20 and I hate her…I really, really hate her.  She was on the program before but didn’t make the cut.  She was all over the transgendered girl who did make it to the show, making the girl feel like she had to explain her whole life to this bitch.  She came on this season proclaiming that she is more mature, but she isn’t…she really, really isn’t.  The first thing she does is to out a private conversation she had with her roommate about another contestant who said that she didn’t want to be there.  Her roommate got all the blame, but Kacey was the villain…really, really.  One of the Jays said she looked old on film without her glasses and I say that she needs to go!

 

                Speaking of hating certain girls, there was a dark haired Megan Fox like beauty queen who didn’t make the cut.  I don’t even understand why beauty pageant contestants even try out of ‘Top Model’ because they are usually given the heave ho fairly early in the process.  The producers basically keep them around long enough, which fortunately isn’t that long, to dig their own pretty Hello Kitty graves.  They say stupid stuff about how pretty they are and how ugly everyone else is in comparison.  Through the years all they have really done is convince me that within today’s pageant world lurks the future incubuses of the fall of humankind.    

  

                Esther is 18 and is a practicing Orthodox Jew who understands that she can’t be a practicing Orthodox Jew if she wants to remain in the competition.  You know right there this isn’t going to end pretty.  She is going to be racked with guilt the first Saturday morning when she is blow drying her hair for an upcoming shoot.  It would be different if she had already started to slip in her Orthodoxy, but I don’t think that is the case.  I can see her becoming resentful about the whole process.  At least she doesn’t adhere to a faith that has a reputation for guilt. 

 

                Here is the second thing about Esther, she has a mega super-sized not putting you on/not full of silicone chest.  She says her bust size is like triple G (G force) or something bra size.  She is beautiful no doubt, and without her boobs looks like she is 100 pounds wet, but Jesus when she was silhouetted in her bikini I thought she was going to tumble over…and no, I’m not exaggerating.  Listen kittens, if I could afford an operation to reduce my jugs I would sooooooooo do it, but this girl needs to do it simply in order to stand up.  In a bikini she looks like some wishful thinking ‘Playboy’ cartoon.  Mr. Jay was surprised that she fit into one of the sample sizes, but I don’t think that is going to be the case with every garment.  Between the two Zepplins on her chest and the fact that she is giving up her Orthodox Judaism to give this modeling thing a shot, I just don’t think it is going to work.   

 

                Kayla is 19 and blonde.  She came into the audition with a mop top of curly blonde hair that she was able to wet down and look semi-normal.  Speaking of semi-normal, Tyra asked her to confirm the all important question as to if she really did sleep in a sleeping bag until she was thirteen.  She confirmed, through her tears no less, that yes she did.  Her mother was poor so that meant that mom and mom’s boyfriend (go ahead and roll your eyes, I know that I did) slept in the only bed while Miss Little Moppet curled herself up into a sleeping bag (can’t you just imagine it dirty with tears in it?) on the floor – this was after a long day of selling matches on street corners and sitting on the laps of dirty old men for a dime.  She is pretty, her face is round, but her lips seem really thin.  Tyra wanted to hug her.  Oh, no. 

 

                God, I feel like I have been writing forever, but now I have come to the money shot model, sort of speaking, of Cycle 15.  OMG, Ann is 19 and is 6’2”.  She also has a tiny doll like waist as in Miss Jay could put his hands linked together around her.  If this high fashion modeling doesn’t work for her she can always go into fetish modeling.  Of course she has a story about how she is always teased about being so tall, but alas, it is a family trait and I’m sure everyone will be happy to note that she can eat anything she wants and never gain weight…yea for her.  Her sob story also included going into various Dallas modeling agencies and them not even looking at her…due to her height.  Here’s that sad part, and I sincerely hope that she never finds this blog, I don’t think they were rejecting her because of how tall she is.  Oh Ann!  During her interview segments I couldn’t believe how she reminded me of someone who was brutally kicked in the face by a horse.  She speaks with a flat affect, her teeth appear to be doing their own thing, her lips are thin, and her eyebrows are off discovering a northern passage to China.  Yet, I will admit, happily because I felt my soul slipping to the dark side, that she looks great in her photo.  Perhaps as long as she keeps to 2 D print technology she is fine.  Maybe Tyra will work some magic in the makeovers.  I’ll also give Ann this, she seems to be a bit brighter that the rest of the girls.  One of their annoying get to know you interview questions on the ‘ANTM’ website is what they would take with them if trapped on an island.  I felt I have now read a thousand times ‘a cell phone’ which begs the question what would they do with it with no battery or reception?  At least Ann said she would take a satellite phone. 

 

                Watch me eat my words in the next coming weeks and Ann becomes not only my favorite for the win, but will win and actually become ‘Top Model’s’ first supermodel.

 

Westerfield © 2010